DINNER PARTY HEAVEN & HELL

Imagine you are asked who you would invite to a fantasy dinner party. Only historical figures.

MY HEAVENLY DINNER PARTY LIST
Girls:

1 Marilyn Monroe :

a) For a few sex secrets.

b) To ask who murdered her.

If she knew.

A bit of a touchy subject. How shall I phrase the question subtly?

Maybe ask - 'Marilyn - did you ever think about suicide?'

Anyway, she's a must because if she came all the men would be guaranteed to turn up.

2 Princess Diana.

a) I'll ask why she wasn't wearing a seat belt.

b) And was she planning to marry Dodi?

3) Charlotte Bronte.

4) Jane Austen.

5) Anne Frank.

Just in case anybody is too busy, I'll have Mae West and Dorothy Parker because they will add witty comments which will go into books of quotations.

And get us mentioned in the newspapers or blogs.

The Men.

1 Rudolph Valentino.To see if I can work out what the attraction was.

2 Houdini. He could teach me a few tricks.

3 Elvis.

4 Any Elvis impersonator. I won't ask Elvis to sing a song. I'll just get Elvis to listen. He's bound to grab the microphone and show how the song should be sung.

5 Disraeli. He's sure to make some witty comment.

As a backup I'll have Shakespeare. I'll ask him who the woman in the dark sonnets was, if she was really a she not a he.

And did Marlowe or anybody else ever write any works attributed to Shakespeare. Of course I won't put it like that. I'll be much more tactful. I'll ask, 'Some people have suggested that works which are attributed to you were written by Marlowe. What would you say to these people?'

And Dickens so that I can ask what was the end of his unfinished novel. I'd better have some pens and paper so that he can sit in the corner and finish it after dinner.

My boyfriend will be in the kitchen cooking the food or serving the drinks and cocktails. He can just be glad to see Marilyn Monroe and jealous of the fact that I'm entertaining Elvis and Rudolph Valentino.

I'll reassure him that our LTR will last for eternity. I'm a sensible girl and dead celebrities are fun for a fancy dress party but I'm really more interested in a real live man.

In the kitchen I'll have a party table for girls and boys who won't be allowed to come to interfere with the rest of us.

I'll need a kiddie entertainer to keep them all amused.

Boys:1 Alexander the Great's boyfriend - to keep the gays happy.

Girls:1 Shirley Temple. So cute.

The rest of the kiddie guests will be kids who were murdered. Poor things. They deserve a treat.

And I'd arrange for the parents to collect them and reunite them. That would be such a nice ending. I hope when I die I go to heaven so I will be an angel so I can look after the Reunited department.

HELL
I imagine that hell will be the dinner party where I'm hostess and the girls have all turned up in their cocktail dresses and we wait for eternity to see whether the men will turn up to my party.

The other hell will be the lobby of heaven where the men arrive for the first dinner of eternity. Then both the wife and the mistress rush forward to greet them.

I'm hostess, left trying to make polite conversation. With awful silences.

Every sentence I try, every bright question, sinks us all further in it.

Everybody is given a place card which reveals the DNA showing the parentage of their children. And their own parentage.